Troy Adopts New Slogan Celebrating Its Shortcomings

By Kermit Mustafa

Published December 4th, 2016

Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade

TROY — Rather than wallow in the face of the difficult challenges confronting them, leaders here have decided instead to embrace their woes, adopting a new citywide slogan heralding Troy’s myriad problems.

Starting Tuesday, banners will be placed at all city entrance points, reading: “Welcome to Troy — The New Schenectady!”

“We can stand here and pretend that things don’t suck right now,” said Troy Mayor Patrick Madden during a City Hall news conference Sunday. “But if I were to try tell you that, well, my nose would grow like Morning Wood. So, let’s just call a spade a spade: Things suck pretty bad these days.”

Madden — standing in a room packed with concerned citizens, media and homeless people looking for somewhere warm to pee — laid out just some of the problems with which city leaders have been grappling. They include: violent street crime, aging and decrepit infrastructure that has resulted in pothole-ridden roads and two massive and costly sink holes within the past year, gangs, drugs, graffiti, poor police-community relations, and being the birth place of Paul Vandenburgh.

But Madden acknowledged what finally tipped the scales in favor of adopting the new slogan was the current fiscal chaos in which Troy now finds itself mired, putting the City Council in the position of eyeing deep cuts in public services and leading the mayor to propose a tax increase of 28 percent.

“I think this new slogan is perfect,” said Casey Anthony, who moved to Troy a few years ago from Florida. “Schenectady used to suck, but look what’s happening there now: a new casino, good restaurants and a college hockey team that won the national championship. Meanwhile, RPI’s fucking team lost to Arizona the other day. Arizona! They don’t even get snow there!”

Madden said he believes the new slogan will “help people look past Troy’s problems so that they can see our failures.”

“I think we’re on to something,” said Madden. “Now, if only our police would just go ahead and commit some crimes we could be home to the sequel for A Place Beyond the Pines.


• Area Drivers Hunt for Solutions to Summertime Urban Deer Problem
• Poll: Majority of Troy Residents Believe Mayor Cries Himself To Sleep At Night
• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Emerge From Troy Sinkhole
‘Exhausted’ Troy to Seek Help After Dissing Cops
• Troy Named to Forbes' Top Ten Places to Live in America