Man Ostracized For Bringing Bag of Chips to Holiday Potluck
By Fred Furnace
Published December 11th, 2016
COLONIE — Employees of a Wolf Road technology company are fed up by their co-worker’s “complete lack of effort” when it comes to the annual holiday potluck.
Ronald Balloon, a 49-year-old systems analyst, has reportedly mailed it in once again by contributing a bag of potato chips that he picked up from CVS on his way into the office that morning.
Co-workers say they’ve had enough of Balloon’s shenanigans, and have started giving the man both “the cold shoulder” and “the stink eye.”
“I spent two days baking cookies and mini frosted cupcakes so that our party would be special,” said Assistant Office Manager Natalie Kinderhoffer. “Meanwhile, that asshole Ron shows up with his $1.99 bag of private label chips from CVS. Am I supposed to pretend that’s okay?”
“Ron represents everything wrong with the American workplace,” said Mike Jones, a salesman who spent hours crafting a medley of exotic Jell-O shooters for the event. “Ron puts in no effort whatsoever, and it really gets under my skin.
“He didn’t even wear a festive tie, or an ugly sweater, like the rest of us did,” Jones added.
Miffed customer service representative Joanne Flurley, who brined and roasted a 22-pound turkey for the event, said Balloon “is just a total freeloader” who usually “pigs out” on the contributions of his more-generous co-workers.
“I don’t know how he lives with himself,” Flurley said. “I hope he eventually rots in hell.”
Balloon said he is surprised by the reaction, claiming he did “nothing wrong” and that he clearly wrote “chips or other salty snacks” next to his name on the sign-up sheet hanging in the employee lunchroom.
“I bring chips every year,” he said. “It’s my shtick.”
In response to the controversy, Balloon said he might consider bringing pretzels, plastic cups, or napkins to the event next year.