Water Main Break Site in Troy to Become “Dirty Dutchmen” Water Park

By Cecily Bapp

Published December 18th, 2016

Artist's rendering of Troy's water-themed park.

TROY — Powerful  King Neptune has laid claim to another ancient aqueduct in Troy,  flooding city streets, snarling traffic, and contaminating an already questionable water supply.

However, rather than attempt to repair the disintegrated infrastructure, Troy has devised a unique plan to help residents cope and will instead build a water-themed park downtown, situated at the site that has prompted the city’s fifth boil-water advisory in two years.

”With this plan, we don’t have to fix this sinkhole — just keep digging. It’s cheap. It’s dirty. It’s Troy,” declared Mayor Patrick Madden.

Unofficially dubbed “The Dirty Dutchman” by local residents — a plucky and resilient lot, tough, dumb and ugly as the cast of Braveheart — the theme park will feature an urban-themed water slide (complete with carjacking at gunpoint), spray cannons, a giant tipping-bucket and the thrill-a-minute ‘Ghetto Buster,’ a fast-paced family car adventure through a replica of downtown Troy.

The city’s plan has the enthusiastic backing of Gov. Cuomo and his Economic Development Office, which has even urged residents to Tweet their thoughts at: #keepdigging #dirtyoldtroy #hopeyoucanswim and #lemonadefromlemons

“Our mission has always been to spend as much money as possible on the most frivolous and pointless causes, especially for those doomed to failure,” said Joaquin Papajohn, spokesperson for Cuomo’s Empire State Development Agency. “This endeavor fits all our criteria.”


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• Poll: Majority of Troy Residents Believe Mayor Cries Himself To Sleep At Night
• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Emerge From Troy Sinkhole
• Albany Sinkhole Gets the Munchies, Swallows 'Student Ghetto'
• Group Demands Pollution Be Dumped Back in the Hudson