Yankee Candle Flagship Fails to Deliver True Xmas Spirit to Millennials

By Leslie Carp

Published December 18th, 2016

SOUTH DEERFIELD — Millennials this Christmas season have been flocking to the Yankee Candle Flagship store in a desperate search for something meaningful now that their belief in long-gone fictional entities such as Santa Claus and Bernie Sanders has been dashed.

Many are finding, however, the true spirit of Christmas is more elusive than they thought, and cannot be purchased from Yankee Candle in the form of shiny foreign-made Christmas paraphernalia and scented jar candles.

“I am absolutely heartbroken,” sobbed Fern Fiddlehead, 28, clinging to a large quartz crystal in the store’s parking lot. “I thought it would be so magical and make me feel like a child again, but it was just like being at Wal-Mart, with hordes of obese people fighting over cheap shit made in China and yelling at their kids.”

While all this may sound absurd to veterans of war and people who lived through the Great Depression, such minor disappointments can be a tough pill to swallow for Millennials, who were raised to believe blindly in archaic institutions such as meritocracy and English degrees that pay themselves off.

Employees at the flagship, meanwhile, are quite used to tearful outbursts by full-grown adults.

“It’s hard not to laugh sometimes,” said Phlox Teitelbaum, a customer service associate who successfully sells candles with scents like ‘Sweaty Frenulum’ and ‘Wife Beater.’ “I really feel sorry for these people who need Jesus so badly that they try to find him here.”


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