Child Satanist to Sue Capital Region Malls Over Missing Xmas Krampus
By Pug Ransom
Published December 25th, 2016
TROY — Little Lemmy Osbourne loves Christmas and the Devil, but what he can’t stand is that jolly old elf, St. Nick.
That’s why the Troy 6-year-old demanded malls throughout the Capital Region offer kids like him the opportunity to sit on the lap of Krampus this holiday season as an alternative to the traditional visit with “that fat-ass bag of gas, Santa Claus.”
“What I’m talking about is some equal fucking time,” the Collar City first-grader said. “If these wussy-ass Christian kids get to tell Santa what they want for Christmas, then Satanists like me should be afforded the opportunity to meet with our guy.”
Unlike Santa, who rewards children with gifts at Christmas for their good behavior, Krampus is a horned half-demon, half-goat figure that punishes kids for misbehaving throughout the year. Krampus is particularly well known in Europe — where, according to sociologists, kids act like assholes at twice the rate of their American counterparts.
“That’s particularly true in Austria,” said UAlbany Sociology Professor Blunt Narkum.
After area malls last Christmas only offered children Santa, Lemmy raised a ruckus, holding a press conference in Lansingburgh during which he threatened to file a federal civil rights lawsuit unless Crossgates, Colonie Center and Wilton malls coughed up Krampus. That didn’t happen and now the 68-pound Satanist — who lost both front baby teeth the day after Thanksgiving in a Pokémon Go accident — is taking legal action.
“I warned these fuckers: ‘Give us Krampus, or else!’” said Lemmy. “They didn’t listen, and now they’ll find out that I wasn’t playing. When I’m done with them, they’ll feel like Krampus rammed his antlers up their ass.”
John Stamos, spokesman for the Wilton Mall, said despite Lemmy’s impending legal action the shopping center has no plans to offer Krampus to area children.
“Half the kids scream their guts out crying just sitting on Santa’s lap,” Stamos said. “Can you imagine a kid sitting on the lap of a half-demon, half-goat? This place would be total chaos.”