Xmas Lights Impede Local Men’s Masturbating Mojo

By Fred Furnace

Published December 25th, 2016

While many Capital Region residents revel at the sight of a home dressed to the nines in Christmas decorations, a subset of our population is becoming increasingly not-so-enamored: men trying to masturbate after the rest of the family has gone to sleep.

“Christmas throws everything out-of-whack, from a whacking-off perspective, that is,” said Tyler Boyd of Ballston Spa.

The 46-year-old father of three says his nightly routine — jerking off and then watching SportsCenter until unintentionally falling asleep on the sofa — has been complicated by “all the damn Christmas decorations in the family room.”

“How am I supposed to get my ‘freak on’ to nasty Asian MILFs on the Internet when I have my kid’s Elf-on-the-Shelf staring me in the face?” Boyd asked rhetorically. “And don’t even get me started on Nana’s nativity set, which is on the coffee table in front of the fireplace. The entire house is decked out in Christmas decor and it’s really messing with my mojo.”

Boyd says jerking off in the midst of all the decorations leaves him feeling “like some sort of pervert.” Still, he said he has “no choice but to do it anyway.”

“Look, I’m married with three little kids and a wife who’s never in the mood for sex,” Boyd said. “A nightly pull to Internet porn is what gets me through the day. And I’ll be damned if Christmas is going to take that away from me.”

Boyd is not alone.

Wendyll McSimmons, a 44-year-old father of two from Green Island, said it has become “totally awkward” to jerk off in the den of his home ever since the family Christmas tree has taken up residence there.

“The ornaments my twin sons crafted in preschool are within clear eyeshot of my La-Z-Boy,” McSimmons said. “It’s almost like I’m committing some kind of sin or something. But that’s my jerk-off spot, right across from the TV. So what else am I supposed to do?"

Renowned SUNY Cobleskill Behavioral Psychologist M. Norman Bunny says the phenomenon — known by academics as Christmas-Related Masturbatory Guilt Syndrome or CRMGS — is “very common.”  

“It often goes undiagnosed, but most men suffer through some form of CRMGS during the holiday season,” he said. “On the plus side, however, it does give some extra motivation to put those decorations away shortly after New Year’s. After all, if Christmas decorations didn't mess with men's masturbatory patterns, they might stay up until June."


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