Halfmoon Man Resolves to Make No Resolutions This Year
By Leslie Carp
Published January 1st, 2017
If done correctly, the lemonade "Master Cleanse" will result in diarrhea.
HALFMOON — A Halfmoon man has proudly announced to his family, Facebook friends and co-workers that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year.
Pakalu Papito, 43, is very much looking forward to shattering social norms and going against the grain as he enters 2017. Beginning Jan. 1, he will be making zero promises and changing absolutely nothing about himself.
“I can’t wait to show everyone I’m perfectly fine the way I am,” said the father of two, who works as an IT systems administrator at a small engineering firm in Clifton Park. “This year is going to be different. By not making any resolutions, I am going to show the world just how great I am.”
Papito’s track record shows he’s suffered from many failed attempts at transformation and empowerment of self through past New Year’s resolutions. Despite the purest of intentions, Papito’s efforts have historically petered out around Martin Luther King Jr. Day, often crashing and burning spectacularly.
“He always gets his hopes up this time of year. We all feel sorry for him and have come to dread January because of him,” said Asif Raza Rana, one of Papito’s closest work friends. “Last year he went on the Master Cleanse diet, the one where you drink nothing but lemonade, and he crapped his pants at work and went home crying.”
“I’m DONE with New Year’s Resolutions!” cried Papito, who began to shake visibly at the recollection of the Master Cleanse incident. Slamming his fists onto his desk, he shouted: “After this New Year, there will be no more Mr. Nice Guy!”
Rana, meanwhile, was observed quietly burying his face in the palm of his hand.