Latham Man Resolves to “Get Fat as Shit” this New Year

By Kermit Mustafa

Published January 1st, 2017

LATHAM — Morrie Amsterdam has canceled his gym membership. He’s thrown out the flaxseed in his cupboard. And he’s stocked his refrigerator with four different kinds of cheese.

“It’s all part of my New Year’s resolution,” said the 43-year-old gym teacher. “Starting Jan. 1, I am going to stuff my pie-hole, be as sedentary as possible and get as fat as I fucking can. And it’s going to be awesome.”

Amsterdam —5-fooot-11 and 188 pounds — said he’s simply being “practical.”

“Look, every new year, all you hear from all the whiny-ass Jim-Jims throughout the Capital Region is how they are going to lose weight, get in shape, be happy and be the best they can be. And then what happens? They fail. They fail because they bite off more than they can chew. Well not me. I’m keeping it real and I intend to eat everything in site until I resemble a Beluga whale.”

But Amsterdam’s wife, Rosemary, said she fears her husband is actually suffering from depression.

“Morrie hasn’t been the same since Doris Roberts died last year,” she said. “A lot of people talk about 2016 being shitty because of the deaths of David Bowie, Prince, Florence Henderson and Boutros Boutros Ghali. But for Morrie, the passing of the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond just cut him deep.

“He never had a mom of his own, really,” Rosemary explained. “When he was a kid, his mother ran off with a neighbor who had his own business cleaning hotel rooms in which people shot themselves. It left a big gaping hole in Morrie’s life. And though it may seem odd to some, Doris Roberts filled my husband’s hole. ”

M. Norman Bunny, the renowned SUNY Cobleskill behavioral psychologist, said Amsterdam’s resolution to become obese is classic “objectification redirection.”

“Morrie Amsterdam is a sick man,” said Bunny. “And he hasn’t been right since the day his mother left. For the mom on Everybody Loves Raymond, food made everything better. And now that she’s gone, Morrie is obviously practicing what she preached.”

Amsterdam, however, scoffed at the notion.

“Bunny’s an asshole and that’s complete psychobabble,” he said. “Listen, it’s simple: I want to get as fat as shit. I’m talking so fat that by June, I don’t want to be able to see my own dick. I totally got this.”


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