SUNY Trustees Eye Closure of Problem Television College

By Pug Ransom

Published January 1st, 2017

SUNY Administration Building in Albany (Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade)

ALBANY — The SUNY Board of Trustees will meet this week in an emergency meeting to discuss permanently closing Hudson University, the site of constant criminal sex probes on Law & Order SVU.

“The state can no longer turn a blind eye to what is happening on this campus,” said SUNY Chancellor Alice Nelson. “The Hudson campus is less safe than the cities of Camden, N.J. and Detroit, combined. And, without question, it is definitely creepier than South Colonie.”

Rarely a day goes by at Hudson University when there isn’t some sort of serious violent felony committed, usually by a house full of hockey players — who, for some inexplicable reason routinely bring their sticks with them on dates.

SUNY Trustee Rueben Kincaid said he’s shocked the university has remained open as long as it has.

“Assault, rape, murder, using arcade tokens in the dormitory vending machines — the list of crimes that occur on campus daily is almost impossible to keep up with,” said Kincaid, as he boarded a brightly painted checkered school bus filled with a fatherless family dressed in matching velour suits. “It’s no secret, either. I mean, ‘Law & Order SVU’ is on every minute of the day. So, that begs the question: Who are the parents still sending their kids to this cesspool?”

Not everyone, however, shares the SUNY board’s concern, especially members of New York’s State Legislature.

“Take a look around,” said state Sen. Bill Cosby. “There’s hardly anyone here these days; everyone’s in jail. If we start shutting down places like Hudson University, where’s the next generation of corrupt lawmakers going to come from? This is our future we’re talking about.”


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