Report: Snobs Outnumber Normal People in Bethlehem

By Curtis Riboflavin

Published January 15th, 2017

BETHLEHEM —By a nearly 2-to-1 margin, the number of snobs in Bethlehem now exceeds the total population of normal residents in this leafy burgh, according to a shocking new U.S. Census report.

Population figures show the town maintains a count of 33,656 regular people, compared with 70,457 snobs — a number that not only has skyrocketed in recent years, but also continues to grow.

"Snobs and entitled folk from all over the state are leaving their tony communities and resettling in this Albany suburb," said RPI scientist and population expert Dino MacIntosh, a Tolkienesque man with glasses and a beard covering much of his face.

"Imagine, if you will, a Gold Rush effect," MacIntosh said. "But people are not coming here for gold. In fact, they are coming to Bethlehem to look down their nose at other people — people, who unlike them, don’t own gold.”

The scientist announced the findings at the state Capitol because townspeople in Bethlehem told MacIntosh —a resident of Buskirk — that he was not good enough to step foot in their town.

"I'm not surprised,” said Jackie Gingerly-Walker-Stewterly, 51, of Delmar. “I mean, we have it all."

But Bethlehem community activist Jenny Fabco-Mathers-Jeffries, a 34-year-old mother of two naturally gifted boys named Harcourt and Rance, said she doesn’t believe the report makes any sense.

"If you said this was happening in North Colonie, I would believe you,” said Fabco-Mathers-Jeffries. “But not us. Not here. This is Bethlehem. We’re simply too perfect to have snobs."


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