Arf! Albany Family Moving to North Colonie for Better Dog Schools

By Quack Davis

Published January 22nd, 2017

Ryan Johnson

COLONIE — The Johnson family is moving to North Colonie so their 7-month-old rat terrier, Ryan, doesn’t have to attend dog training school in the city of Albany.

“This city dog schools are just too dangerous for our baby,” said Mary Johnson, who calls herself ‘Ryan’s mom.’

“People tell us the Albany canine schools have gotten safer but safer does not mean safe," Johnson said. "I don’t want to hear Ryan was beaten up by some thug dog or joined a dog gang. Sorry, that’s just how I feel.”

Her dog — named for gorgeous actor Ryan Gosling — has furry friends who attend dog schools in North Colonie and Delmar, she said.

“We can’t be politically correct about this,” she said. “Sorry. I read the papers. I see the kinds of dogs that are going to those schools. I don’t trust them. In North Colonie, the dogs are very sweet and they behave. They are much less, um, well, I guess I’ll just say they are much less urban. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Her husband, Grape Johnson, 54, said when he was a young boy, dogs had respect for their teachers.

“If Fido as much as barked in class back in the day the teacher would have beaten the living shit out of him,” he said. “Sadly, those days are over. Too bad. Now we got all these liberal policies in the dog schools. It leads to anarchy. These dogs today are a bunch of thugs. Family and faith are out of the dog schools. Sorry. It just gets me hot under the collar.”

Nikita Khrushchev, a community organizer who described himself as a progressive wizard, said the Johnsons are "part of the problem" because they do not realize crime in Albany is going down and that city dog schools are safe.

"Get out of suburbia for a day and see that there's a world of smart hipsters out there who know more than you do," said Khrushchev.

Mike Pooch, a spokesman for Albany dog schools, said the Albany Central Canine School District plans to build a new school that will place the animals in different sections of the building so large dogs will be with large dogs, small dogs will be with small dogs and intellectually slow dogs will be with special needs dogs.

"Sorry," Mary Johnson said.  "Not good enough for my Ryan."


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