Half of Region Flees to Canada; Other Half Found Rifling Through Their Things

By Fred Furnace

Published January 22nd, 2017

ALBANY — Some 145,000 residents of Albany County have made good on their threat to move to Canada if Trump becomes president, per statistics released Monday by the state Census bureau.

“I think some were holding out hope that it was all a bad dream, or maybe that he would change his mind or possibly drop dead,” said one Census official. “But once the inauguration happened, people from the Capital Region fled to Canada like hippies dodging a draft.”

Similar emigration figures also were reported in Saratoga and Rensselaer counties, and the mass exodus is already having a devastating impact on the local economy.

For instance, the NPR station reported it’s lost “every single one of its listeners.” Sales of electric and hybrid automobiles dropped 17,000 percent, and Whole Foods said it would likely have to exit the area due to the loss of all of its customers. Every book club in the area also has been disbanded, due to the shortage of educated suburban white women.

Meanwhile, sales of cheap domestic beer and pick up trucks are reportedly “booming,” and the local survival gear industry is said to be enjoying “a renaissance.”

Those left behind are not only saying good riddance to those who have fled, they’ve already started rummaging through their belongings.

“Lots of women’s clothing and books,” griped one of the rummagers, who asked not to be identified for fear of prosecution. “A lot of these assholes have New York Times subscriptions, too. Honestly, I don’t know how people read that smut.”

Experts say those who have fled are unlikely to move back until Trump leaves office. Under Canadian law, however, they will be required to visit New York for outlet shopping during all three-day weekends.


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