Fuccillo to Head Trump Administration’s New Department of HUUUGE

By Leslie Carp

Published January 29th, 2017

WASHINGTON — President Trump has appointed car dealership mogul Billy Fuccillo to lead a brand new branch of the federal government, aptly named the Department of HUUUGE.

Fuccillo, 60, owns more than 25 car dealerships in upstate New York and Florida, and is best known for his TV commercials that feature Trump’s two favorite things: blondes and describing everything as “huge” at 85 decibels or higher.

While Fuccillo’s modest $100M net worth pales in comparison to the other Cabinet appointees, the Trump administration is optimistic about his leadership capabilities.

“We can’t say much right now, but it’s gonna be HUUUGE,” said White House spokesman Sean Spicer to a room full of journalists who were not allowed to take notes or ask questions.

Political scientists and the general public are baffled by the appointment, since Fuccillo appears to be highly qualified for the position. The tone used in the Twitter account @billy_fuccillo even mirrors the president’s.

The exact function of the new Department of HUUUGE has yet to be revealed, but an insider has leaked bits and pieces of the nascent government agency’s agenda. It’s first order of business will be to immediately ban the sale of pickup trucks with a Gross Vehicle Weight Rating under Class 3, which means that reasonably sized daily drivers such as the Ford F-150 and Dodge Ram 1500 will be rendered obsolete by 2018.

The department also plans to impose a mandatory minimum bra size of 34C, fining all women, girls, and people with breasts found to be in violation.


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