Nickelback SPAC Show Sells Out in Five Minutes

By Leslie Carp

Published February 5th, 2017

Chad Kroeger, Canadian heartthrob and lead singer of boy band Nickelback.

SARATOGA SPRINGS — Nickelback’s July 10 concert at Saratoga Performing Arts Center sold out in five minutes, shattering previous ticket-sales records and baffling hipsters.

Fans of the wildly popular Canadian boy band gobbled up all 25,000 available tickets the instant they were released, jamming up Ticketmaster outlets. Many camped out in Saratoga Spa State Park for several weeks prior to the tickets going on sale. Several skirmishes resulting in grievous bodily injuries were reported.

Nickelback have been around for over 20 years since their formation as a boring alternative rock band in the mid-1990s. After a few years of faffing about with lukewarm record sales, the band was signed by ‘N Sync and Backstreet Boys producer and con man Lou Pearlman. Pearlman’s special touches transformed the unremarkable-looking Canadian rockers into modern day sex symbols, churning out chart-topping head-boppers like “How You Remind Me” and “Photograph.”

Pearlman died in federal prison last summer, but Nickelback are still going stronger than ever. Chad Kroeger, the nearly impossibly handsome lead singer, is so popular with female fans that the most frequently requested cosmetic surgical procedure among men worldwide is: “Doctor, please make me look like Chad Kroeger, I’ll do anything!”

Kroeger's wife, Avril Lavigne, has been forced into hiding after a rabid pack of Nickelback fans tarred and feathered her in front of the couple's home.

Roger Gardenia was among the lucky few who were able to score Nickelback tickets. He is optimistic that his infant son, Duane, named after their hometown of Duanesburg, will be the youngest audience member at the sold-out SPAC show.

“Duane from Duanesburg will be an even bigger Nickelback fan than his daddy,” Gardenia exclaimed. “His nursery room is covered in Nickelback posters, and his mommy played ‘How You Remind Me’ for him several times a day in utero.”

Jake Herron and his trilby-wearing hipster friends from Troy insist that at least half the tickets purchased were bought ironically.

“There is no way that all these people genuinely enjoy Nickelback,” Herron said with abundant vocal fry. “We waited outside the box office for a week and a half to get tickets, but we just went for the people watching.”

Herron and his friends also plan to "ironically" attend the Juggalo March on Washington in September.


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