Pot Sticker Shortage Leads to Injuries, Arrests
By Fred Furnace
Published March 5th, 2017
COLONIE — Employees working overtime at a Wolf Road IT company staged a violent revolt last night against the company’s office manager, after he “once again” failed to order enough pot stickers when placing the group’s dinner order.
Colonie police were called at 8:15 p.m. to the business, where they found office manager Felix Fitzsimmons unconscious and bleeding from the head, chest, and anus. He was rushed to Albany Medical Center, where he was listed in stable condition after receiving treatment for his injuries.
Three of the company’s tech analysts were arrested on charges that include aggravated assault, attempted murder and sodomy with a foreign object. Additional charges may be added as the investigation continues.
Despite the arrests, employees of the firm blame the melee squarely on the shoulders of the manager.
“Every time Felix is in charge of ordering dinner for the team, he always lowballs the pot stickers,” said systems engineer Chet Henderson, who witnessed the attack but did not participate. “We always plead with him, ‘Felix, please, don’t skimp on the pot stickers this time; we all love pot stickers.’ But the guy never listens.”
“Each of us wants at least three pot stickers,” said marketing assistant Dungaree McGoo. “But that asshole Felix doesn’t seem to get it. I just want to shake him and scream, ‘For Christ’s sake, Felix, just order more damn pot stickers!’”
McGoo said most employees were forced to cut their pot stickers in half to share, “like we were some kind of third-world peasants.” Some employees got no pot stickers, at all.
“Once we realized that Felix, again, didn’t order enough pot stickers, people started to go berserk,” said administrative assistant Maureen Lungkets. “It started with verbal assaults, but pretty quickly escalated into physical violence. They beat him pretty good. And I’m pretty sure he may have been raped, too.
“And if you ask me,” Lungkets added, “he had it coming. Who is he to play God with our pot stickers?”
Fitzsimmons, a slender vegetarian, defended his actions from his hospital bed, explaining that two orders of the chewy, meaty delicacy “should have been enough,” given the amount of other food that was ordered.
“It’s not an all-you-can-eat buffet,” he said. “I am not going to order extra pot stickers willy-nilly."