Schenectady Officials Celebrate Week Without Corpses

By Pug Ransom

Published March 5th, 2017

Schenectady fire dept. out looking for corpses on March 1st. (Photo by Dawn Endico)

SCHENECTADY — In what’s believed to be a first in the city’s history, no bodies were found in Schenectady within the past week, officials said Saturday.

“We couldn’t believe it either,” said Mayor Charlie McCarthy. “In fact, we double-backed and re-checked every alley, culvert, vacant house and riverbank in Schenectady. We didn’t come across a single corpse.”

So far this year, an average of 2.7 bodies per week have been discovered in the city. That’s up from last year’s average of 2.4, but down from 2015’s mark of 3.1.

“Hopefully, we can build off this,” said Schenectady Police Chief Clancy Wiggum.  “Discovering dead bodies is a real drag. Especially when it happens close to the end of your shift. Lunchtime is bad, too. Finding a dead body right before lunch sort of ruins your appetite. So, yeah, hopefully more people won’t die.”

Exactly why there were no corpses found in the Electric City over the past week is not entirely clear.

The city’s Republican Party released a statement blaming the shortage of stiffs on the “culture of entitlement that has unfortunately bred laziness” in a growing number of Schenectady’s killers. Meanwhile, the county’s Tourism Department speculated that most of the city’s murderers and drug dealers had taken advantage of the recent unseasonably warm temperatures to play Frisbee golf in Schenectady’s Central Park. And Downtown Business District officials attributed the drop in dead bodies to the 12-day run of ‘Wicked’ at Proctors Theater.

But McCarthy said he had another theory for the decline in suspicious deaths, pointing to the new Rivers Casino & Resort.

“It’s the place to be seen, and everybody who’s anybody is hanging there,” the mayor said. “Call it a ‘ripple effect’ if you want. All I know is this is just another positive impact that gambling has on a community.”


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