Mom Disputes Police Claim Surrounding Smudge Reporter’s Sordid Death

By Pug Ransom

Published March 19th, 2017

BETHLEHEM — Fenwick Jolsen — the longtime Smudge reporter whose list of exclusive fake news scoops included Caitlin Jenner’s relocation to Latham, and a masturbating Weimeraner that lost its eyesight — died Friday. He was 38.

Though an official cause of death has not been determined, a law enforcement source told the Smudge it’s believed the veteran scribe died as a result of autoerotic asphyxiation.

“Classic case: pants around the ankles, belt around the neck, stupid look on the face and a bottle of St. Ives Aloe Vera lotion,” said Sheriff’s Department Sgt. Wolfgang Gnarley, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “If we’ve seen it once, we’ve seen it a thousand times.”

A native of Bethlehem, Jolsen was the only child of aglet tycoon Jed Fudgelick Jolsen and socialite Tallulah Jolsen. He joined the Smudge in 2004, working first as the paper’s Galway bureau chief before being moved into the main newsroom so editors could keep a closer eye on him.

“Fenwick was a real weirdo,” said Smudge Publisher Burt Wilkersonn. “When he was in Galway, we received several reports of him hanging out near public parks in a van. We eventually brought him into the city room to protect the public. He was a smart guy, but a total creep. I can’t say we’re surprised by this.”

Jolsen’s mother, however, shot down the police theory surrounding her son’s death, claiming Fenwick took his own life due to problems he was having at the Smudge.

“Ever since they brought in that young hotshot reporter Kermit Mustafa, Fenwick has had trouble getting his stories in that Commie rag,” Tallulah Jolsen said. “He was very depressed.”

Wilkersonn acknowledged that Jolsen was being used sparingly since Mustafa’s hiring.

“Fenwick was yesterday’s fake news, so to speak. Sure, Kermit is a little green, but he brings a spark to the job. Fenwick was dead wood.”

When reached by the Smudge on Saturday, Mustafa said he had “no comment,” adding that he was “glad Fenwick is dead.”

Meanwhile, Tallulah Jolsen said she further disputes the autoerotic asphyxiation theory because of a recent entry that Fenwick had made in his personal diary.

“He didn’t know that I knew where he hid that thing, and whenever I had my Bridge club over, we’d sneak in Fenwick’s room and I’d read his diary out loud to the girls for laughs,” Tallulah said. “Recently, he had written that he no longer masturbated because he had been with himself so many times that he no longer turned himself on. So yeah, in that sense, Wilkersonn was right about ‘dead wood.’ But it all goes back to that Kermit fella. The Smudge killed my baby.”


• Smudge Takes Hit on Social Media in Wake of ‘Pizzagate’
• Albany Smudge Joins Media Conspiracy Against Trump
‘Shattered Glass’ Reporter Joins the Smudge
•  Longtime Smudge Reporter Fondly Remembered as a Liar
• Smudge to Discontinue Print Edition