Bethlehem Couple's Decision To Continue Hyphenating Surname Has Area on Edge
By Scott Salad
Published March 26th, 2017
The future Mr. and Mrs. Schneider-Whitey-Moronous-Doolittle of Bethlehem.
BETHLEHEM— When Taylor Schneider-Whitey proposed to his Bethlehem High School sweetheart Kimber Moronous-Doolittle last summer, friends and family all agreed it would be a marriage made in heaven.
“Taylor and Kimber are the perfect couple,” Moronous-Doolittle's mother Gigi told The Smudge. “I'm over the moon.”
“They're like characters in a Cameron Crowe movie,” said Taylor's Father, Theodore Schneider-Whitey. “They really do complete each other.”
While hundreds have already saved the date — eager to attend what is being dubbed the in-crowd's "wedding of the summer” — a growing number of area residents have expressed concern over the couple's controversial choice to continue hyphenating their last names.
“The Schneider-Whitey-Moronous-Doolittle's?” asked Dr. Tobias Mayhem, a math professor at SUNY Albany. “Boy, that's a mouthful. And what if their children decide to hyphenate? And their children? Where does it end? This could be the beginning of a crisis of exponential proportions.”
As word of the couple's soon-to-be substantial surname spread across social media, people throughout the region contemplated the impact on their respective professions.
“What's it going to be like calling class attendance in the year 2040 if the hyphenated name crowd in Bethlehem keeps procreating with each other?” tweeted Delmar kindergarten teacher Barbara Popsicle.
“I'm happy for these kids, I really am,” Mel Glickly, a local engraver, wrote on Facebook. “But do you know how hard it is to carve a 33-character last name on a plaque or a headstone? I have point-size limitations, you know?”
Maître D's, postal workers, phone book publishers and pharmacists across the region also expressed displeasure with the surname.
The couple, however, says they're used to criticism.
“It's part of being a progressive couple that likes to think outside the box,” said 27-year-old law student, Taylor Schneider-Whitey. “Sometimes you complicate matters in your effort to make yourself seem more interesting to others.”
Kimber Moronous-Doolittle agreed.
“Taylor and I are taking a lot of heat for this,” the 25-year-old yoga instructor told the Smudge. “But I don't care. I'm going to marry the love of my life in June, and then hopefully we'll have four to six naturally gifted children together.”
“Imagine,” she added, “a house full of cute, little Schneider-Whitey-Moronous-Doolittles running around. What a dream!”