New Hipster Bar to Open Specializing in ‘Vintage’ Beer
By Cecily Bapp
Published April 9th, 2017
ALBANY — Yet another brew pub is opening in downtown Albany, but instead of brewing on premises, or offering fine craft beers to millennials with discerning palates, the new establishment will exclusively vend old skunk beer in cans.
The marketing ploy, a brainchild of Albany grad Tyler Knutson —(who emphasized to the Smudge that his last name is pronouned ‘Ka-noot-son) — is already causing a stir in the hotly contested Albany brew trade.
“There are already a shit ton of bars in Albany, and most of them sell pretty pricey brews. Exotic stuff, you know —hoppy, malty, fruity, toasty — with colors ranging from mahogany brown to sunflower yellow. Really though, most people don’t know what the fuck they are drinking. They just want to get a buzz.”
Arranging his bun and scratching his beard thoughtfully, Knutson adjusted the crotch of his short, tight pants and then added:
“I envisioned a market for basic brews at an inflated price. Then I discovered a metric ton of old beer in a barn behind my Grandma’s house. Super nostalgic old stuff: Rheingold, Shlitz, Shaefer, Ballantine. All of it in cans, and most of them not too rusted.
“We plan to charge around $10 to $12 a can, depending on brand and how rusty the can is,” he said. “Some of our customers actually prefer the taste of rust, which they say gives the beer a certain tinny background note. And, by the way, we do not recycle. No need to. The cans are already pre-disintegrated. It’s totally eco-friendly.”
Belching loudly, Knutson pounded his chest a few times ad grinned.
“Excuse me!” he said.
Knutson, widely known locally as ‘K-Man’, said an added plus is that the beer sold at his establishment will be gluten-free.
“Gluten was only invented in the ’90s by greedy bankers fucking with our food supply,” he said. “Our stuff was brewed way before the ’90s, so it’s naturally gluten-free. Cruelty-free, sugar-free, fat-free, nut-free, dairy free and soy free, too. So, come on down to our grand opening and get your righteous vintage buzz on with us!”