State Taps United Airlines for Take Over of Albany Correctional Facility

By Fred Furnace

Published April 16th, 2016

ALBANY — United Airlines has been offered contracts to manage the Albany County Correctional Facility and two state maximum-security prisons in Auburn and Elmira.

“I never would have believed that privatizing the prison system would be an option for the great state of New York,” Gov. Cuomo said at a press conference Sunday. “But then I saw how United dealt with that whiney little Asian doctor on that flight to Louisville, and it made me reconsider.”

Cuomo said he was “very impressed” with United’s proficiency in dealing with unruly passengers, adding he’s optimistic the airline can bring the same level of brutality to the state’s prison system.

“If they can kick that kind of ass when dealing with a doctor just trying to fly coach to Louisville,” Cuomo said, “then I can only imagine how they would deal with an attempted murderer smearing shit all over his cell.

“United does not play around,” Cuomo added. “These dirt bags are finally going to meet their match. This is going to be fun to watch.”

United — which did not apply to run the prisons and has not actually agreed to enter into the contract — said it is “flattered” by the announcement. While prison management is not part of its current business model, the airline says it will “strongly consider” the state’s proposal.

“We have been getting a lot of bad press lately, so it’s nice to see the state of New York giving us a little love,” said United spokesperson Manfred Hamm. “Clearly, we know how to deal with motherfuckers who don’t follow our orders, so this could be an win-win.”

Hamm noted despite United’s inexperience with prisons, the airline does fly a regular route between Utica and Buffalo.

“Those people are real animals,” he said. “I can’t image the Albany inmate population could be any worse. We are up for the task; now it is just a question of whether the economics make sense to our Board of Directors.”

Cuomo said he’s optimistic United would agree to the proposal.

“From what I’ve seen on the Internet, United will be great at operating our prisons,” he said. “These inmates are finally going to get what they deserve. Fuck yeah!”


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