Albany Eyes New Home for City’s Dwarf Tossing Team

By Kermit Mustafa

Published April 16th, 2016

Steve Gooch of the Albany Elves throws his second perfect midget of the year in a 9-2 victory over the
Binghampton Wee Folk on Thursday March 10th, 2017.

ALBANY — Reeling from the loss of yet another sports franchise, Albany officials announced Friday the city will build a new stadium for its only remaining team: the Albany Elves of the National Dwarf Tossing League.

Schottzie McVicar, the city’s director of Sports Management and Recreation, said the new $900 million stadium will be built adjacent to the site of the Albany Convention Center, adding the project is expected to hit numerous snafus and will probably be plagued by significant cost overruns.

“Back in 2015, the Elves ownership took a chance on our fine city, choosing Albany as the home of their franchise,” McVicar said. “It’s time we thank them for that leap of faith by building the Elves a respectable venue in which to be tossed. Now that the Devils have left town, we simply can’t allow another team that no one cares about to flee.”

Since coming to Albany, the Elves have been competing in a fenced off area at the Corning Preserve. However, that space has been deemed “unsafe” by team owners, who have threatened to leave the city if a new arena was not built.

“The Corning Preserve is just not suitable,” said Thor Jorgensen, the Elves majority owner. “Too many of our little guys were being tossed right into the river, and some of them, sadly, were never found. And the ones we did recover now glow in the dark after being exposed to PCBs and all the other shit that’s in that cesspool.”

Cappy Negron, director of Albany Taxpayers Against Government Waste and Other Bad Stuff, said it’s immoral for the city to fund the project “on the backs of its residents.”

“Look, I’m a fan of the Elves. It just tickles me to death to watch those little guys fly through the air. But allowing this stadium to be built solely with public money is a slap in the face to the taxpayers of this city,” Negron said. “You keep picking people’s pockets and they’ll have nothing to spend, and lose, at the new casino in Schenectady.”

But McVicar said the city has little choice.

“Albany is the worst sports town in the world,” he said. “We can’t keep anyone here. We’ve lost two AHL teams, two indoor football teams, the Patroons, and an indoor lacrosse club. If we can’t keep our dwarf tossing team then we might as well stop trying. I mean, we’re talking chucking midgets. What more does a city need?”


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