State Workers Treated to All-Day Carnival on Taxpayers’ Dime
By Leslie Carp
Published April 16th, 2016
Lawmakers celebrate the New York State budget's completion at the carnival.
ALBANY — To celebrate completion of the budget, New York state employees were treated to an all-day carnival on Friday, sponsored in full by state taxpayers.
The Empire State Plaza and Capitol Park were transformed into a colorful wonderland of fun, complete with cotton candy, vomit-inducing rides, and an OGS vehicle demolition derby. Even the grumpiest cube dwellers couldn’t suppress a smile when handed fried butter on a stick.
Gov. Cuomo cancelled all state operations on carnival day, enforcing a “day of total rest.” Civil servants were expressly forbidden from doing any work, and hefty fines were imposed on anyone caught checking work email on their phone.
To keep the angry mob happy, agency commissioners and other high-ranking officials were subjected to a variety of methods of humiliation and medieval torture.
“I just threw a banana cream pie as hard as I could at the commissioner’s face!” shrieked Turbot Coulter, a mailroom clerk at the Office of Mental Health. The pie-throwing festivities were shut down when, as tends to happen, someone was caught throwing human feces.
Cuomo’s media advisory for the event advertised “great visuals,” and delivered immensely on the promise. Journalists were treated to surreal sights and rare photo opportunities: the Senate and Assembly Health Committee chairs bouncing together in a bouncy castle, Lt. Gov. Kathy Hochul throwing up cotton candy, and fire crews cutting a portly Department of Health employee out of a spinning tea cup after she became stuck.
Private-sector workers grumbled jealously from the insides of their workplaces as they watched their tax dollars at play.
“State workers are coddled by the Nanny state,” scoffed construction boss Rocco Manicotti, who has a framed portrait of Donald Trump in his bathroom. “My guys work hard because they love to work — and also because their health insurance plan has a $15,000 deductible.”