A Smudge Fake News Exclusive
Five UPS Drivers Missing After Attempting To Find Coeymans
By Scott Salad
Published April 30th, 2016
The Alcove Reservoir, from the Coeymans' Wikipedia page. (Photo By Daniel Case)
COLONIE — The United Parcel Service is asking for the public's help after several of its drivers vanished from thin air while delivering packages to the mysterious Albany County Town of Coeymans.
“Seven drivers had deliveries to Coeymans last week and only two returned,” said UPS Regional Dispatcher Clint Flasid. “If anyone knows of their whereabouts, or the whereabouts of Coeymans in general, please contact us immediately.”
Flasid confirmed the two drivers who made it back to the distribution center in Colonie unscathed have no recollection of ever reaching Coeymans, and that upon their return, they complained of disorientation, intestinal discomfort and what many paranormal investigators refer to as “missing time.”
“Coeymans has long been a hotbed of paranormal activity,” said local investigator Butchy Feralcats. “It's the Capital Region's Bermuda Triangle. We're certain it's at the epicenter of a government conspiracy involving extraterrestrials.”
A UPS investigation into the disappearances yielded no evidence of alien abduction, concluding instead the drivers simply “lost their bearings” and they're “likely to turn up at some point.”
“Our global positioning systems found something called Coeymans but failed to yield a viable reference point,” said Flasid. “We can clearly see that it's near a place called Schodack Landing, but since we have no idea where the hell Schodack Landing is, either, the information is of no use to us.”
Coeymans' complete obscurity has long been a topic of discussion within the area's only make believe news outlet.
According to an internal initiative aimed at identifying Capital Region towns The Albany Smudge could potentially poke fun at, Editor-in-Chief Bertrand Wilkkersons instructed journalists to disregard any fake news coming out of Coeymans since no one in the area seems to know where the hell it is.
“On Wikipedia, it says that Coeymans was formed from the town of Watervliet in 1791, and that in 1815, parts of it were used to make the new town of Westerlo,” said Wilkkersons. “WTF? Watervliet is North of Albany, but Westerlo is way the hell out near Thatcher Park. They're not even close to one another. How do you explain that?”
Flasid, meanwhile, remains confident his drivers will return home safely.
"They'll dive into the perishables if they get hungry, so they should be fine.”