NYC to Upstate Hicks: Stop Referring to Yourselves as ‘New Yorkers’

By Fred Furnace

Published April 30th, 2016

A "real" Neopolitan pizza.

In the wake of reports that “hicks from upstate” keep trying to identify themselves as “real New Yorkers,” residence of the five boroughs are joining forces to fight back.

“You hicks from upstate have no relationship at all to New York City,” said Rachel Schwartzberger, spokeswoman for Keep the Integrity of New York City Safe From Those Hicks from Upstate Who Keep Trying  to Pretend They are ‘Real New Yorkers’ Even Though They Are Not — or “KINYCSFTHFUWKTPTRNYETTAN” for short.

“Stop telling people you are ‘kinda neurotic,’ or accustomed to a fast-paced lifestyle, or ‘impatient with slower-moving drivers,’ or otherwise implying that you are industrious or sophisticated,” Schwartzberger said. “You people aren’t any of those things. You’re just a bunch of hicks from upstate.

“Yes, New York City happens to be located in the same state as whatever shitty little backward town you live in, ” she added. “But that doesn’t mean you share any traits with those of us from the city.”

Schwartzberger said that upstate residents too often “pretend to have some connection to New York City that does not actually exist,” and then cite that fake connection as a way to claim expertise on things like pizza, or the ability to drive better or faster than people from other states.

But those connections are not based in reality, Schwartzberger said.

“Nope, you are just a bunch of slow-moving hillbillies, no better than people from Vermont or Maryland,” she said. “And you wouldn’t know a real Neapolitan pizza if it bit you on the ass.

“We are finally calling you on your bullshit, Upstate,” she said. “So, just cut it out.”


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