Cuomo Reverses Stance on Infrastructure Plan; Says ‘Uh, Nevermind’

By Cecily Bapp

Published May 14th, 2017

The Rexford Bridge

ALBANY — After spending the day slumming in Clifton Park and then becoming ensnared in the pointless traffic snarl that is the Rexford Bridge, Gov. Andrew Cuomo has withdrawn his proposal for an extensive plan to rebuild the infrastructure of New York State.

The move marks a complete reversal of his widely publicized initiative to ‘Rebuild New York,’ unveiled earlier this year to make the governor sound forcefully presidential, while not quite Republican.

“Jesus God, why are we still stopped?” the Democratic governor and ever- hopeful future candidate for president was overheard saying when his motorcade became stalled around 4:30 p.m. Wednesday on the Rexford Bridge rebuild.

Capital District residents, in an unusual display of support for the goveror, shared Cuomo’s frustration.

“The old bridge was just fine,” said John Rustoleum, an area welder. “Now everyone is confused and they can’t get to work. I’ve been here for nearly 4 hours, and the same cars have been stuck on the roundabouts for days. There’s no movement on the bridge, and the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot is jammed. I say, give it up already.”

A plucky army of GE engineers, clutching battered briefcases, was spotted marching determinedly in the chilly Spring rain, having abandoned their cars on the bridge in frustration.

Though ordinarily aroused by engineering marvels like the Rexford Bridge, and prone to poor communication skills, these “numbers men” were eloquent in their disdain for the bridge rebuild.

“Sure it’s beautiful, and those construction workers are nimble as cats. It’s really neat to watch,” said engineer Arthur Boombilatti. “But, goddamn it, c’mon, we’ve got to get to work.”

As traffic remained at a standstill an apparently famished Cuomo could be heard wailing:

“It’s 500 feet! Why the fuck aren’t we moving? Sandra is making pot roast tonight, my favorite — with the little onion bits. My executive mansion awaits!”


RELATED ARTICLES

• Hard-Working New Yorkers Say Taxes ‘Relieve Us of the Burden of Savings’
• State Workers Treated to All-Day Carnival on Taxpayers’ Dime
• Cuomo Moves to Deport Trump
• State’s Non-Discrimination Law Extended to Fat, Ugly People
• Governor Says Concussion Did Not Occur While Playing ‘Pokemon Go’