Fat Ass from Brunswick Rocks New Tom Brady Jersey
By Quack Davis
Published May 21st, 2017
BRUNSWICK — Eat your heart out, Danny Bundtburger!
The porky Patriots fan from Brunswick just plopped down $250 on an official Tom Brady jersey, which he plans to squeeze his 328-pound body into every Sunday this fall while stuffing his pie-hole full of chicken wings and cheering on his favorite team.
And, like every other unabashed Patriots backer, the 36-year-old glaze-fingered fatty firmly believes he looks like a million bucks in his skin-tight Brady shirt.
"I happen to know I look good in this jersey," Bundtburger said, ignoring critics who say he looks ‘ridiculous.’
"Some people are just haters. Maybe they're jealous. Who knows? Haters gonna hate."
But Bundtburger’s friends have a different take on why their portly pal receives so much blowback while in his Brady jersey.
"Danny looks like two pounds of bologna jammed in a half-pound bag. He's too large for that damn shirt," said Troy Girkley. "He's a really good kid, but he's also really fat and it's really unsettling to see him in that shirt. It's like he painted it on."
Cyndi Morks, another longtime friend of Bundtburger, said the shirt makes an already unattractive man even more ugly.
"Why doesn't Danny wear a Vince Wilfork jersey?" she asked, referring to the former Patriot nose tackle and current Houston Texan, who tips the scales at 454 pounds.
"Why do all these fat men feel the need to wear Brady shirts?" Morks added. "Danny is ugly."
Mask Davison, a spokesman for Brady, said the quarterback "supports any and all fat losers who believe they look good wearing the jersey of the NFL’s greatest quarterback."
But whereas the dimpled and doe-eyed, hard-bodied Brady maintains a healthy diet, Bundtburger eats fried food at Arby's daily.
"So what? Once I throw on that shirt," Bundtburger said, "I'm ready to score!"