Guilderland Man Celebrates Unexpected Boner
By Pug Ransom
Published May 21st, 2017
GUILDERLAND — A Johnston Road man who’s been married for 26 years to the same woman could barely contain his excitement Saturday after experiencing his first spontaneous erection since 2003.
Ernie Thunderbush, an independent butcher who cuts meat in the basement of his unassuming ranch-style home, said he was sitting in his living room Saturday evening watching an episode of A Chef’s Life on PBS when he noticed he was “sporting wood.”
“I couldn’t fucking believe it: There was Sgt. Slaughter standing at attention!” said the 53-year-old Thunderbush. “I mean, my soul’s been dead for quite some time and I just figured I was dead down near in the South Pole, too. But I was wrong. The beast lives!”
So excited was Thunderbush, in fact, that he ran to the bathroom and took several full-length profile shots of his himself with his iPhone — all of which accented “the tent” he claimed to be “pitching.” He then immediately uploaded the photos to his Facebook page.
“Check it out,” he wrote to friends. “Vlad the Impaler makes a triumphant return and is conquering my boxers! It’s like I’m back in 7th grade math class!”
Thunderbush acknowledged that, as is the case with many long-term marriages, his sex life over the past decade or so has been on “life support.”
“The schlong is a muscle and I’m a firm believer in ‘use it or lose it,’” he said. “But now that Stretch Johnson is back in full force and tugging on my britches, this could bring the magic back to our marital bed.”
But Thunderbush’s wife, Hester, wasn’t so sure.
“What’s that? Ernie has a boner? Oh, good for him,” she said. “He can do whatever he wants with that thing, just as long as he keeps it away from me.”