Study: Watervliet Has The Hottest Felons Per Capita

By Dodie Fingerton

Published May 28th, 2017

Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade

WATERVLIET — To many residents of New York state, Albany has become synonymous with professional midget tossing and good-looking felons. But a new study has found that the Capital City doesn't even have the most captivating convicts in Albany County. Nor is it in the top 10 statewide.

Save those honors for Watervliet.

That's right, popular mugshot aggregator has released a study of The Top 30 Cities With The Most Attractive Felons, and the Arsenal City ranked No. 7.

“We just happen to fall into a weird niche,” said Watervliet Mayor Tim John Kerchiefkian. “Of all the felonies that have been committed in our city this year, 90 percent were committed by individuals who possess a high degree of facial symmetry. We're still trying to figure out if that's something to be proud of.” was quick to point out the study was based on population and only included cities of 2,000 residents or more.

“The data is adjusted to consider per capita rates, so while some cities may have a reputation for violent crime, like Albany, Troy or Schenectady, the reality is that you are statistically less likely to be mugged by a sexy person in a major metro area because the population is larger and the people are generally a lot uglier," the site explained.

Melissa Dungfooter, a fit 29-year-old unemployed waitress from Watervliet who was recently convicted of breaking and entering, and endangering the welfare of a child, said she's not surprised by the findings.

“Can one not be arresting to the eye while being arrested?” the comely parolee asked while fondling her ankle monitor. “Can one not be appealing while appealing a conviction? Can one not be stunning while being stunned with a stun gun? Hot felons, such as myself, ask ourselves these questions every day.”

Meanwhile, Amsterdam, N.Y., was again recognized for having the homeliest felons in the state, beating out runner-up Cohoes by 36.


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