Sun Mistaken for Alien Invasion By Fleeing Locals
By Cecily Bapp
Published May 28th, 2017
An enormous glowing orb spotted recently over area skies caused widespread panic, numerous traffic accidents, and the local population to make an erratic, ineffectual retreat en masse from the Capital Region.
No longer able to recognize the sun, locals apparently assumed the illumination to be an alien invasion and abduction, state emergency management officials said.
The mass evacuation was believed to have been initially triggered Saturday during the usual coma-inducing 5 a.m. Sunrise Edition of News6, hosted by local favorite Brytnee Kirkpatrick.
Confusing the sun with “the Apocalypse,” Kirkpatrick — her ordinarily perky voice raw with emotion — advised viewers to “go home and prepare to die! It’s the end of the world!” before dashing out herself from behind her News6 desk and onto the eerily illuminated streets of Schenectady.
Within minutes, Kirkpatrick was joined by a mass of hysterical followers in an unprecedented exodus of the Capital Region under the glaring rays of a heavenly body rarely seen this spring, which illuminated the typically gloomy 518 horizon and blinded the area’s usual mole-like inhabitants.
“Now I feel kind of stupid, but at the time, the only thing I thought of was an alien abduction,” acknowledged Victoria Falls, an Amsterdam tattoo artist and occasional exotic dancer. “I thought, ‘OK, now those chemtrails I saw last month make sense.’ So, I got the kids in the car and just drove, but I couldn’t seem to get away from it.”
Troy Police Chief and alien abduction enthusiast James Osterberg Jr. agreed with Fall’s asinine assumption.
“I didn’t stop to think it could be anything else. I forgot about the sun,” he told the Smudge. “Hey, it’s been a long winter and an extremely rainy spring.”