Area Residents Eager to Trash Environment Post Trump’s Paris-Accord Exit

By Kermit Mustafa

Published June, 4th 2017

RENSSELAER — In wake of President Trump’s decision to withdraw the United States from the Paris climate accord, residents from throughout the Capital Region were expected to gather along the banks of the Hudson River today for the area’s first-ever Fuck the Environment Festival.

“We can’t make America great again unless we make our land, water and air more shitty,” said Butters McTussel, executive director of the Rensselaer County chapter of Earth Last!

In announcing his decision to pull America from the agreement that aims to combat global warming, the president said, “We don’t want other leaders and other countries laughing at us anymore. And they won’t be.”

And for Nipper Cruddless of Coeymans, that’s all the reason he needed to hear.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of being mocked by Finland and Latvia,” Cruddless said. “Fuck them. Let’s see if they’ll be laughing when my grandchildren develop the black lung.”

Festival organizers said a full day of events are planned including a tire-fire marshmallow roast, free aerosol can giveaways and a Shit-in-the-Hudson contest that will be open to all ages.

“I’m just looking forward to a day out with the family,” said Harriet Rosenqueef of Scotia. “It’ll also give me a chance to clean the basement and rid it of all the cans of spray paint that have been piling up. I had been waiting for the annual hazmat disposal day, but now I can just bring them to the festival and chuck them in the tire fire.”


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