Fred Furnace

Fred joined the The Albany Smudge in November 2014, coming to the Capital Region’s make-believe news leader after a lengthy and distinguished career in fake journalism.

Furnace has written for a variety of fake newspapers over a 20-year span, including the Chicago Smudge Times, the Cleveland Smudge Dealer, and the Pittsburgh Smudge-Gazette.

In his spare time, Furnace enjoys drinking coffee and spending time with his 11 sons, all of who are named “Fred Furnace.”


STORY LIST

• Malta Mom ‘Just Says No’ to Taking Home Kid’s Artwork
• Most Illegal Immigrants Oppose Troy’s Bid to Become Sanctuary City
• Former Altamont Fair Poster Child Becomes Poster Child for Poster Children
• NYC to Upstate Hicks: Stop Referring to Yourselves as ‘New Yorkers’
• Mechanicville Woman: Only ‘Us New Yorkers’ Know How to Drive
• Malta Man Unsure Whether to Brag About Big Penny Slot Win
• State Taps United Airlines for Take Over of Albany Correctional Facility
• Good Luck Finding Saratoga’s Newest Hip Microbrewery
• Trump Spin Machine Claims Troy is 'Nicest Place on Earth’
• Menands to Hang Giant Air Fresheners in Effort to Mask Smell
• Bethlehem Family Sued For Serving Kid Non-Organic Birthday Cake
• Pot Sticker Shortage Leads to Injuries, Arrests
• Two-Fifths of Capital Region Mistakenly Says, ‘Boston Spa’
• Budget Cuts Force Schools To Replace Foreign Languages With ‘Pig Latin’
• Muslim Ban Impacting No One in Galway, NY
• Half of Region Flees to Canada; Other Half Found Rifling Through Their Things
• Scientists: Ice Age Still Exists in Parts of Columbia County
• Area Tires of Christmas-Flavored Crap
• Bethlehem Woman Planning Trip to Troy Shunned by Uppity Friends
• Man Ostracized For Bringing Bag of Chips to Holiday Potluck
• Watervliet Woman Lands Man With Job
• Milk and Bread to Join Egg in Albany Skyline
• County Fair Bragging Rights Fuels Altamont-Schaghticoke Gang War
• State’s Non-Discrimination Law Extended to Fat, Ugly People
• Siri Is Latest Woman to Accuse Trump of Sexual Abuse
• Bethlehem Grad Distraught After Having to Settle for UAlbany
• Poll: Even Prison Seamstress More Popular than Trump and Clinton Among Area Voters
• Mall Shopper Goes Nuts When Apple Worker Calls Newer Device ‘Vintage’
• Latham Woman Runs Out of Things to Pierce
• Thief Caught After ‘Leaving Gun, Taking Cannoli’
• Amusement Park Accident has a ‘Happy Ending’ in Lake George
• Albany Man Named ‘Most Annoying’ By Colleagues
• Glens Falls to Host First-Ever ‘Old Man Olympics’
• Bethlehem Moms Struggling to Find Trivial Things To Be Outraged Over
• SUNY to Gov. Cuomo: Cancel Our Games in New Jersey, Too
• Great Escape to Become ‘Cul-de-Sac Kingdom’
• Area Hospitals Prepare for Deluge of Drunk Injured Rednecks
• Senate Bill Would Rename Lake George After Antonin Scalia
• Local Cashier Baffled by Customer Trying to Pay in Cash
• Local Hipster Recognized for ‘Awesomeness’ by Peers
• Local Man ‘Butt Mortgages’ Waterford Home
• Smudge Apologizes For Using 'Normal Looking' Trump Picture
• Old Men: ‘We Don’t Like These Fancy New Price Choppers’
• Cuomo’s Transgender Plan: All Bathrooms To Be Unisex
• Treasury: Gwen Stefani, Caitlin Jenner Also Considered for New Bills
• Al Jazeera in Talks to Buy Local Sports Talk Radio Station
• Ted Cruz’s Mom: ‘Even I Don’t Really Like Him’
• Clifton Park Hannaford to Host Republican Presidential Debate
• Hillary’s Message to Cohoes: ‘Bill Was Once a Hick from a Podunk Town, Too’
• Albany Medical Center to Rent-Out Rooms on Airbnb
• Schenectady Raises Minimum Wage to $250K Per Year
• Latham Woman Finds Chicken Nugget in Shape of Jesus
• Game of Thrones Season 6 Spoiler: Schenectady Is Eighth Kingdom of Westeros
• ‘Punch-Out Buggy’ Game An Internet Hit With Local Assholes
• Cleavage Blamed for Massive Northway Pile-up
• State to Fight Identity Theft By Making All Personal Info Public
• Area Sees Rise In Men Complaining Of Freezing Their Nuts Off
• Albany Aims To Cash In On Its Lack Of Civic Pride
• CDTA Teams With Match.com For A Valentine’s Day Commute to Remember
• Duanesburg Man Ecstatic After Naming Son ‘Duane’
• Albany to Play Key Role in Making Air Travel Even Worse
• Local Businesses to UAlbany Kids: “Change Out of Your Pajamas!”
• Armed Militia Takes Over Lansingburg OTB
• Saratoga Springs to Bottle Its Air, Sell it to Stinkier Towns
• North Colonie Teens Protest Lack of High-End Apparel Options
• Guilderland Woman Hasn't Left Home in Weeks, Family Blames Amazon Prime
• Santa's Elves to Perform Elvis Tribute at Proctors
• Blitzen AWOL —Santa Fears Reindeer Has Joined Jihad
• Christmas Decorating Ends in Divorce for Another Area Couple
• Syrian Refugees Arrive in Amsterdam NY, Ask to Go Back Home
• Source: Siena, Albany Eyed for NCAA Super Conferences
• Area Brewery to Craft Thanksgiving-Flavored Beers
• Local Douche Won't Shut Up About "Epic Run" on Draft Kings
• Poll: Region Clueless About Benghazi, But Glad Hillary is ‘Getting Some’
• Cohoes Mastodon Believed to Be Gay
• Albany Diocese Celebrates Poll’s ‘Sexiest Priests’ Ranking
• Cuomo, Fuscillo Top List of Area Halloween Costume
• Melee at Apple Orchard Leads to Arrests, Injuries
• Mystery Crusader Rescues Region During Recent Flooding
• Three Inducted Into White Trash Hall of Fame
• Poll: 38 Percent of Area Men Say They’d ‘Do’ Disgraced Prison Seamstress
• Capital Region to Establish Local Commodities Exchange
• Chinese Hackers Strike Again, Steal Orders of Capital Region Diners
• Bravo Cancels Ill-Conceived ‘Real Housewives of Clifton Park’
• Capital Region Beer Lovers Celebrate 100th Cleverly Named Micro Brew
• Famously Flamboyant Fitness Guru Helps Cuomo ‘Sweat’ Away the Flab
• Bethlehem Dad Who Screwed Up Gifted Son’s Diet May Face Divorce
• Thruway Rest Stop to Host Labor Day Potluck
• Albany High Principal: “Our Girls Could Whoop Ronda Rousey”
• Local Serial Killer Picked for Bud Light’s ‘Up for Whatever’ Ad
• Latham Dentist Drilled for Hunting Beloved African Field Mouse
The Smudge Remembers: ‘Two Guys’ Department Store
• Food-Allergy Law Enacted; Most Area Restaurants to Close
• Catskill Game Farm to Roll Out McNuggets
• Crack Down on Obnoxious License Plates May Mean Prison for Some
• ‘Shattered Glass’ Reporter Joins the Smudge
• State Raises Confederate Flag, Just To Symbolically Take It Down
• Shark Attacks Terrorize Grafton Beach
• “Caitlin Jenner” Most Popular Baby Name in June
• Escaped Inmates Found Working at Colonie Denny’s
• Area School to Honor ‘Jake From State Farm’
• It’s True! BMW Cedes Coveted Parking Space to Other Driver
• Cohoes to Host Real-Life ‘Hunger Games’
• Liz Bishop Rumored for Next ‘Dancing With The Stars’
• STD Forces Local News Team Off the Air
• Bethlehem to Remove “Welcome” Signs
• South Colonie Man Credited With New Word
• Blaze Claims Last Standing Building in Cohoes
• Albany Lands Dwarf Tossing Team
• Bigfoot Spotted at Clifton Park Shopping Center
• Proctors in Naming Dispute with Proctology Practice
• Move Over Honey Boo-Boo, Gov. Cuomo the Next Big Reality Star
• Smudge to Discontinue Print Edition
• Towns Aim to Cash In on Waterford Clams Casino
• Penis Candle Leaves Albany Sorority Burning
• Local Strippers Protest Wages, Tips
• Malta Man Finds Wife's G-Spot
• New "Love Toilets" Allow Riders to See Eye-to-Eye on City Busses
• Local Dad Faces Charges After “Junk” Accidentally Goes Viral
• Disney to Build Thrill Ride Based on Colonie Town Dump
• Clifton Park Runs Out of Nature-Themed Street Names
• Local Creep "Confesses" to Meeting Chicks at Church
• Here’s a Shocker: No Surprises in 2015 SPAC Schedule
• Watervliet Anglophiles Celebrate City’s First Tea Room
• Local Fireman Comes Out to Colleagues: Admits He Doesn't Like Beer
• DVR Mishap Pulls the Plug on Scotia-Glenville Classes
• Optimist Club Says Halfmoon’s Name Just A Big Ol’ Downer
• “Ethnically” Raised Lamb at Farmers Market Angers Delmar Woman
• State Fiscal Year to End With Guv on a Permanent Vacation
• Snowman Menaces Glenville
• Whites in Cohoes Divided over Ethnic Cuisine
• Applebee’s Ushers in 'Foodie revolution' in Cohoes
• County Legislator Admits She Can’t Spell Rensselaer
• Troy Named to Forbes' Top Ten Places to Live in America
• Green Island to Remove Yellow Lights
• Colonie Man Says He is Not Santa; Hates The Holidays
• Albany Man Celebrates Season with Gingerbread El Camino
• Waffle Eating Champ Visits Local Eatery
• Smell Identified as Menands
• Deceased leaving Capital Region in record numbers
• Latham Circle Named Roundest in State
• Idaho Family Accidentally Visits Cohoes

Malta Mom ‘Just Says No’ to Taking Home Kid’s Artwork

By Fred Furnace

Published June 11th, 2017

MALTA — Marie D’Grumpio has apparently seen enough of her child’s artwork, and is refusing to take home any more of the kindergartener’s drawings, pictures, or other arts and crafts now that the school year is winding down.

“It seems like Sophia comes home every week with a backpack full of the crap she drew in school,” said the Malta single mom. “Where am I supposed to put it all for Christ’s sake?”

D’Grumpio said she “lost it a little” when she and the other kindergarten parents received an email from the school last week stating all remaining art work and classroom projects would be sent home with the children during the last week of the year.

“I was like, ‘No fucking way is that school going to pawn more of this crap off on me,’” D’Grumpio said. “So I emailed back and said, ‘No thanks. If you like the art work so much, why don’t you take it home and keep it.’ I certainly don’t want it.”

The response came as a surprise to Sophia’s kindergarten teacher, Mellissa McGrassenhoffer.

“I really expected the parents to be excited about sharing in the children’s wonderful artwork from the past year,” McGrassenhoffer said. “The children have put in so much effort, and I couldn’t be prouder of how much they have learned and grown.

“But I guess little Sophia’s mom is a total bitch. I’ve asked both my church and book club to keep her family in their prayers.”

  D’Grumpio, however, was unapologetic.

“Look, I’ve wallpapered my kitchen and family room with Sophia’s art work,” she said. “And Sophia cries whenever I try to throw any of it in the trash. But I’ve run out of room, for goodness sake.

“I’ve become a prisoner in my own home,” D’Grumpio added. “The only way to stop this madness is to not let any more of her artwork in to the house.”