Dodie Fingerton

Dodie hails from the tiny village of Crossed Balls-On-The-Wreak, West Sussex, England.

He graduated from Foxfart University in Pease Pottage, between Giggleswick Cockup and Dickwick-Upon-Tweed in Taintshire, with a degree in Soups, Porridges and Stews.

But after growing tired of the rationing programs that occurred in the wake of the Falkland War — and a diet which consisted mainly of iced carrots on a stick and three ounces of lard — Fingerton and his family moved to the United States in 1984.

Despite an erroneous Smudge report that claimed he was once married to recently deceased journalist and habitual liar, F. Anthony Anthony, he's not a lady nor a man who is attracted to other men.

To prove that, he married an actual woman named Hooty in 1998. And in 2001, they welcomed twin sons, Cockhammer and Clenchwarton.


STORY LIST

• Study: Watervliet Has The Hottest Felons Per Capita
• Watervliet Man's Erratic Behavior Tied To Lights Over Coeymans
• Local Nonprofit Aims to Discourage Men from Using the Term 'Man-Cave'
• Waterford Man's Psychotic Break Related To Mama June's Weight Loss
• Cohoes Man Furnishes Apartment With Things Found Dumped Along Road
• Troy Sinkhole Haunted By Ghost of Dead Meteorologist Glen Dimple
• Three Days Into Trump Presidency, Schodack Man Convinced America’s Already 'Great Again'
• WNYT Adds 39th Meteorologist To News Team
• Saugerties Man Flogged After Vocalizing Dislike For Jimmy Fallon
• Study: Albany Newscasters Fattest in U.S.
• WikiLeaks Releases Wynantskill Man's Emails
• Man Dies of Boredom After Two Days in Clifton Park
• From Plumbers to Single Moms, Capital District Stunned by ‘Brangelina’ Breakup
• Saratoga Ends Summer Gala Season with 'Lack of Self-Awareness Ball'
• Governor Says Concussion Did Not Occur While Playing ‘Pokemon Go’
• Fat Guy Explodes at Troy Pig Out
• Mechanicville Man Warned to Stop Talking About Soccer at Work
• Scores of Hipsters Miss Mumford & Sons Show Due to Fixed-Gear Bicycles
• Police 'Keeping Eye' On Clifton Park Man Who Doesn't Golf
• Cropseyville Family Book Collar City Vacation
• Price Chopper's Fuel AdvantEdge Card Fueling Anxious, Erratic Behavior
• Cuomo's ‘God Bless You’ Law Nothing to Sneeze At
• Spa City Momma's Boy Violates Restraining Order by 'Liking' Mom's Facebook Posts
• Cuomo to New Yorkers: “Call me 'Andy'”
• Cuomo Growing Mustache
• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Emerge From Troy Sinkhole
• Albany Mayor Featured Prominently in Adam Levine's New Tat
• Mom Files Restraining Order Against ‘Clingy’ Son
• Wynantskill Man Stunned After Trump Calls Him a Jerk
• Colonie Man Has a Bee in His Bonnet
• Watervliet Woman Wins First-Ever “Under the Boob Pen Challenge”
• ‘Affluenza’ outbreak Hits Saratoga High
• First Ever Zwarte Piet Parade Held In Albany
• Holiday Potluck Luncheon Tests Employees’ Intestinal Fortitude
• Cohoes Turkey Trotters 'Take Back Finish Line!’ Months After Cat-5 Pothole Consumes City
• Hardcore Emoticon User Claims He's Straight
• Troy Man Obsessed With Pint-Sized Actor
• Uncle Sam's Ghost Moving To Canada If Trump Wins Election
• Study: Rise in Circular Logic Attributed to Local Roundabouts
• Hairdresser to Dannemora Seamstress: “Try volumizing.”
• Lake George Wins “Yamaka-Ma-Con 2016” Bid
• Baffert Unhappy As American Pharoah ‘Celebrates’ Travers Loss At Earth, Wind and Fire Concert
• Crescent Man Learns He's a ‘Cuckold’
• Gronk and Bros. Crash Local Kid's Birthday Bash
• Socialites: What Spa City girls really want to be when they grow up
• Jimmy Fallon's Finger Fracture Fans the Flames of Unrest in Saugerties
• Lansingburg OTB Voted Most Flatulent Place in North America
• Spa City Man’s Accidental Encounters with Mom “Very Exciting”
• Ballston Lake Hubby In Hot Water, But Not Sure Why
• Lake House Owner Won’t Refer To Locals As “Inbred Hicks”
• Saratoga City Council to vote on 'Word Ban' ordinance
• Manly Friendship Ends After Tulip Dispute
• Smudge Reporter 'Opts Out' of Common Core Story
• Vague UALBANY Protest Leaves Many Bewildered
• Man Photographs Rainbow 'Several Times' At Wife's Behest
• SPECIAL REPORT: Bethlehem Parents Decry ‘Average-Child’ Crisis
• “Super Food” to Blame for Divorce of Fit Bethlehem Power Couple
• George Clooney Coming to Capital Region
• Lumbersexuals Flock To Lake George Winter Carnival
• Expedition Reaches Summit Of Colonie Landfill
• Rival Sketch Comedy Troupes Linked To Latham Stabbing
• Aide Fired After 'Hasselhoffing' Cuomo
• Esperance Man Charged with Aggravated 'Dutch Oven'
• Clifton Park Man Asked To Leave Christmas Party After Complaining About Commute
• Met Fan Admits He Was Roller Skating at Guptils During Famous Game 6
• Niskayuna Man Who Thinks He's Shia LaBeouf May Actually Be Shia LaBeouf
• Dog Gets Rabies From Sanitation Worker
• Waterford Women Tired Of Hearing About Cohoes Mastodon

Study: Watervliet Has The Hottest Felons Per Capita

By Dodie Fingerton

Published May 28th, 2017

WATERVLIET — To many residents of New York state, Albany has become synonymous with professional midget tossing and good-looking felons. But a new study has found that the Capital City doesn't even have the most captivating convicts in Albany County. Nor is it in the top 10 statewide.

Save those honors for Watervliet.

That's right, popular mugshot aggregator Hotfelon.com has released a study of The Top 30 Cities With The Most Attractive Felons, and the Arsenal City ranked No. 7.

“We just happen to fall into a weird niche,” said Watervliet Mayor Tim John Kerchiefkian. “Of all the felonies that have been committed in our city this year, 90 percent were committed by individuals who possess a high degree of facial symmetry. We're still trying to figure out if that's something to be proud of.”

Hotfelon.com was quick to point out the study was based on population and only included cities of 2,000 residents or more.

“The data is adjusted to consider per capita rates, so while some cities may have a reputation for violent crime, like Albany, Troy or Schenectady, the reality is that you are statistically less likely to be mugged by a sexy person in a major metro area because the population is larger and the people are generally a lot uglier," the site explained.

Melissa Dungfooter, a fit 29-year-old unemployed waitress from Watervliet who was recently convicted of breaking and entering, and endangering the welfare of a child, said she's not surprised by the findings.

“Can one not be arresting to the eye while being arrested?” the comely parolee asked while fondling her ankle monitor. “Can one not be appealing while appealing a conviction? Can one not be stunning while being stunned with a stun gun? Hot felons, such as myself, ask ourselves these questions every day.”

Meanwhile, Amsterdam, N.Y., was again recognized for having the homeliest felons in the state, beating out runner-up Cohoes by 36.