Fenwick Jolsen

Fenwick is the only child of millionaire businessman Jed Fudgelick Jolsen and socialite Tallulah Jolsen.

Born and raised in Bethlehem, Fenwick was a naturally gifted child who graduated at the top of his home-school class.

After graduating from Harvard in 2001, Fenwick was poised to take over his father’s aglet factory in Galway. But the night before he was to assume the factory’s helm, Fenwick drank a glass of water from the Hudson River on a dare. He has been aging backwards ever since.

When not consumed with his Smudge duties, Fenwick enjoys stroking kittens and performing neat tricks on his prized Spintastics technic yoyo.



STORY LIST

• Trump to Exit Presidential Race to Start New Life in Schenectady
• Albany Man Shamed After Photo Shows Him at ‘Soft-Rock’ Show
• Bethlehem to Battle ‘Average Kid’ Crisis By Limiting Births
• Hoosick Abuzz With Rumor It’s Home to Former Famous Kid Star
• Rensselaer County Calls on Kids to Start Smoking
• Retiring to Nisky A Move That’s Right on the ‘Money,’ Mag Says
• Bethlehem Supremacy On Display In Annual March Down Delaware
• Caitlyn Jenner Packing Sack for Transition from LA to Latham
• Albany Cops Take Rambling Elderly Man Into Custody
• Stench Drives Albany Man To Abandon Health Kick
• Patty Duke Fans Fill Pie-holes With Hot Dogs at Jumpin’ Jacks Opening
• Trump Cousin Claims The Donald’s Dong Is Short, Not Long
• Troy Man With Coloring Book Hobby Now Dead to Wife and Kids
• With Wooden Shoes, Devils Aim To Skate Into Heart of Area Fans
• X’ Finally Marks the Spot for Lost Colonie Man
• Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow? City Mulls Man-Bun Ban
• Mag: Even North Colonie Ugly Ducklings Are Sexy Swans
• Trump Cousin Seeks Schenectady’s Top Post
• Fed Up Local Man Sues Doctor, Claims ‘I Know My Body’
• Local Veterans Say ‘Tis the Season for More Help from the VA
• Group Claims Colonie Would Be Less Lame With New Name
• Local Vagrant Cuts Ties With Hipster Son
• Yuppie Attorney Chastised By Family For Behaving Responsibly
• Menands Man Happy With His (Finally) ‘Hard’ Life
• Area Hospital to Focus on Helping Chronic Penis Shutterbugs
• New Plans for Tobin’s Site Has Region Screaming ‘Hot Dog!’
• Self Flagellation Costs Whacking Weimaraner His Vision
• Accidental Upstate Vacation Traumatizes Aussie Couple
• Wall Aims to Stem Flow of South Colonie Migrants into North’s Tony Confines
• Feds Warns Region to be Wary of Area Cowboy Fans
• Man’s Apathy Over Triple Crown Winner Earns Cold Shoulder From Colleagues
• Cuomo’s Plan to Ban ‘Train’ No Music to Protestors’ Ears
• Spread the WOD: Loudonville Clothing Drive an ‘Exercise’ in Love
• Albany Wife Says Husband Is Not the ‘Woman’ She Married
• Malta Mom Feared Mess Would Leave Killers With Wrong Impression
• Former Albany Bedroom Community, Colonie Finds Firm Future in Mattresses
• Hair’s Hoping Sawyer Fredericks Toupee Saves Green Island Jobs
• Endless Children’s Parties Taking Toll on Couple
• SPECIAL REPORT: Bethlehem Parents Decry ‘Average-Child’ Crisis
• Market Provides Space for Frustrated Moms to Swat their Kids
• Businessman to City: ‘Wooden Shoe’ Rather Have a Factory than an Eyesore?
• Albany News Anchor Cops to Lying About His Butt
• Colonie Finds Spork-tacular Use for Abandoned Supermarket
• Troy Art Museum Frowns Upon Performance Artist's Smile
• Colonie Teen Puts Spoiler on Dodge Neon, People Wonder Why
• Twin Bridges to be Transformed into TV’s Olsen Twins
• 6-year-old Quitter Receives Participation Trophy
• Coxsackie Officials Consider Changing Town’s Name
• Saratoga Marathoner Shunned After Refusing to Put Sticker on His Car
• Study Finds Bethlehem Not As Good As It Thinks It Is
• North Colonie Kids Visit Border to See Poverty Up-Close

Trump to Exit Presidential Race to Start New Life in Schenectady

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published October 16th, 2016

SCHENECTADY — Donald Trump will pull out of the race for president and assume the top job at Schenectady’s new Rivers Casino, a source close to the Republican nominee has told the Smudge.

“Donald firmly believes he has what it takes to make America great again, but he’s sick of the scrutiny and tired of the constant harassment by the liberal media,” said Billy Bush, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “At this point, Mr. Trump just wants to be someplace where he’s off the radar, someplace like Schenectady — you know, where he can grab a pussy without being hassled.”

News of the Trump hiring in Schenectady comes as the mogul’s Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City is set to shut down amid a labor dispute. The closing is just the latest problem for Trump, whose other Atlantic City casino properties have been through four bankruptcy proceedings.

“Mr. Trump once called his Taj Mahal the ‘Eighth Wonder of the World,’” said Schenectady Mayor Lester Bangs. “Well, this new casino here in Schenectady will, like, be the 316th Wonder of the World. Seriously. Mr. Trump will make it awesome — even more awesome than the new Mexican Radio on State Street. And, if it does go bankrupt, who cares? This is Schenectady!”

Trump’s wife, Melania, is said to be excited about the move to the Electric City.

“Her main concern is ensuring the transition from Manhattan to Schenectady is a smooth one for 10-year-old Barron,” said Bush of the Trump’s young son. “So far, so good. Just the other day, Melania enrolled Barron in the city’s Martin Luther King School on Stanley Street.”

Bush said the Trumps have purchased a three-bedroom, one-bath home on Decamp Avenue. And, he added, that once the couple feels Barron is settled, Melania will then start her job as a waitress at Homestyle Pizza on Upper Union Street.

“She’s can hardly wait,” said Bush. “When Melania was growing up in Slovenia, she often heard about the ‘American Dream.’ Well, in Schenectady, she’ll get a chance to live it.”