Fenwick Jolsen

Fenwick is the only child of millionaire businessman Jed Fudgelick Jolsen and socialite Tallulah Jolsen.

Born and raised in Bethlehem, Fenwick was a naturally gifted child who graduated at the top of his home-school class.

After graduating from Harvard in 2001, Fenwick was poised to take over his father’s aglet factory in Galway. But the night before he was to assume the factory’s helm, Fenwick drank a glass of water from the Hudson River on a dare. He has been aging backwards ever since.

When not consumed with his Smudge duties, Fenwick enjoys stroking kittens and performing neat tricks on his prized Spintastics technic yoyo.


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Trump to Exit Presidential Race to Start New Life in Schenectady

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published October 16th, 2016

SCHENECTADY — Donald Trump will pull out of the race for president and assume the top job at Schenectady’s new Rivers Casino, a source close to the Republican nominee has told the Smudge.

“Donald firmly believes he has what it takes to make America great again, but he’s sick of the scrutiny and tired of the constant harassment by the liberal media,” said Billy Bush, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “At this point, Mr. Trump just wants to be someplace where he’s off the radar, someplace like Schenectady — you know, where he can grab a pussy without being hassled.”

News of the Trump hiring in Schenectady comes as the mogul’s Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City is set to shut down amid a labor dispute. The closing is just the latest problem for Trump, whose other Atlantic City casino properties have been through four bankruptcy proceedings.

“Mr. Trump once called his Taj Mahal the ‘Eighth Wonder of the World,’” said Schenectady Mayor Lester Bangs. “Well, this new casino here in Schenectady will, like, be the 316th Wonder of the World. Seriously. Mr. Trump will make it awesome — even more awesome than the new Mexican Radio on State Street. And, if it does go bankrupt, who cares? This is Schenectady!”

Trump’s wife, Melania, is said to be excited about the move to the Electric City.

“Her main concern is ensuring the transition from Manhattan to Schenectady is a smooth one for 10-year-old Barron,” said Bush of the Trump’s young son. “So far, so good. Just the other day, Melania enrolled Barron in the city’s Martin Luther King School on Stanley Street.”

Bush said the Trumps have purchased a three-bedroom, one-bath home on Decamp Avenue. And, he added, that once the couple feels Barron is settled, Melania will then start her job as a waitress at Homestyle Pizza on Upper Union Street.

“She’s can hardly wait,” said Bush. “When Melania was growing up in Slovenia, she often heard about the ‘American Dream.’ Well, in Schenectady, she’ll get a chance to live it.”