HOROSCOPES

November 2016

Aries — Fork put-downs and choosing roasted turkey over deep-fried turkey are both great ways to jump-start training for the Turkey Trot if you want to finish that 5K in under two hours.

 

Taurus — Use discretion and restraint in tanning booths during these cold dark months, lest you begin to resemble a deep-fried turkey.

   

Gemini — You will see your ex out-and-about the night before Thanksgiving and it will utterly ruin you. You will go home and eat an entire deep-fried turkey in an effort to console yourself, but it will cause massive gastrointestinal upset and you will be hospitalized and your stomach will need to be pumped. The trauma of violently vomiting fried turkey will haunt you for many months. Sorry.

 

Cancer — This year's events have motivated you to become more involved in your local community, with great reward for all. The goodly people of Troy and Albany have you to thank for Popeye's adding deep-fried turkey to their seasonal menus.

 

Leo — Most recipes for deep-fried turkey call for the use of peanut oil. Consider this when your seething hatred of the "peanut Nazis" at your kid's elementary school boils over around Thanksgiving.

 

Virgo — The despair of being alone in this world drives us to do things we never thought we would consider doing. With that said, please don't "do" a deep-fried turkey. Genital mutilation of that caliber is reserved for girls and women only.

 

Libra — Oops! Turns out that rotting animal odor is actually the deep-fried turkey you won at the conference raffle last week, which has been hanging out in the trunk of your car all this time. 

 

Scorpio — You love Christmas so much that you won't be able to resist putting a Santa hat on your Thanksgiving deep-fried turkey. 

 

Sagittarius — Stampede some old ladies outside Walmart at 6 AM on Thanksgiving Day. You could score a good deal on a turkey fryer. However, you risk God's wrath, and worse — being seen.

 

Capricorn — If you are going to be "frying" with that fire new Bernie Sanders blotter acid this Thanksgiving, our official recommendation is that you wait at least twelve hours after dropping before attempting to deep fry a turkey. 

 

Aquarius — After replacing a current photo of you with a photo of a deep-fried turkey, your online dating profile will suddenly increase in popularity and clicks.

 

Pisces —  It's ok to respond to stress by retreating into a protective cocoon of watching videos of people accidentally starting deep-fried turkey fires. We all have our own coping mechanisms.