PERSONAL ADS

Prim and proper tweed-clad English prof ISO of well-read hottie to conjugate my verb. You’ll be the master; I’ll be the pupil. Speak to me in firm declarative sentences. Tutor me in love and show me what to do with my dangling participle.

Portly Augustus Gloop ISO of demanding Veruca Salt to taste my candy bar. Tear back the wrapper, whore. Your golden ticket to Wonkaville awaits.

Passive-aggressive little person with a drinking problem ISO of Amazon woman with a love of literature, sea monkeys and Chevy Chase. Do you agree old Carol Burnett episodes hold up better today than original cast SNL skits? Me too. Love that Tim Conway! Now, kindly fist me.

Sexually frustrated, happy-go-lucky masturbator ISO ambidextrous juggler to toss my salad. I’ll be the Remus to your Romulus. Agricola, agricolae. Go ahead, feed me to the lions, you frisky gladiator.

Smelly, peg-legged pirate woman ISO of well-hung swashbuckler. Name is ‘Margaret,’ but I go by ‘Peg.’ Got a sack full of Snap-On tools, and really into pegging. Have a hook leg and peg arm, rotten teeth and eye patch. Love rum. Cannot host.

Squirrelly celibate hoarder ISO of M/F with roomy sack and gaping hole to store my junk. Must be able to tolerate rotting rodents, dead pussy, and stacks of old newspapers. Have you seen my keys?

Watch me whip, watch me nae, nae, let me fill your belly, with a bae-bae; I gots a monster, in my trousers, and it looks like, Doogie Howzer; So don’t just sit home, and be no loner, come and see me, and see my boner; cuz I’m a guy, in search of lovin’, and I’ll put a bun, inside your oven. Word.

Self-hating midget looking for regular-sized person to whom I could be a sidekick. Toss me, wrestle me, exploit me. But never doubt my loyalty. I’ll be your Joe C. You be my Kid Rock. Age unimportant. Must not be jealous of my normal-sized crank.

Pretty. Oh so pretty. You are pretty in your lipstick and baby-doll dress. Oh so pretty. Pretty when you tuck yourself between your legs. So pretty. I want to be pretty with you. Show me how to be pretty. Daddy. Show me how to tuck. Daddy. Pretty, pretty, creepy pretty. Do me and kill me. Man ISO man. Pretty, pretty man. Pretty, pretty, oh so pretty man.

Kajagoogoo fan, 45, with skunk hair, looking for someone who is too shy-shy. Tounge tied or short of breath? Don’t even try. So, hey girl, move a little closer. Too shy, shy? Just relax, and get a little closer. You’re moving in circles, won’t you dilate? I got some goo-goo for your brown eye. So, hush, hush.

SWM, 37, angry, drunken dwarf, don’t call me a midget, enjoys racism and gaming, looking for Amazon woman, age unimportant, who will crush my sternum with her tree-trunk thighs. Must be white and taste like salt.

SBF, 32, motel cleaning woman who smells like old cigarettes and is sometimes whorish, seeking bespectacled, pock-mocked Edward James Olmos-Eugene Levy hybrid. You enjoy corduroy and knowing how to whistle with a blade of grass between your thumbs. If you blow into my hole and make me hiss, Craterface, I promise not to tuck your sheets in too tight.

Witchy female recluse with scratchy voice, boney ”BEWARE” finger and uncanny ability to make a hyena cry, seeks sensitive male with a prostate-exam phobia. Let me probe your human condition, my pretty. Ooops — is that my finger or my broomstick?

MWM, 36, locksmith by trade, blacksmith by desire, curious and submissive, seeks GBF, the more butch the better. Must be experienced with Snap-On tools, or Zucchini. Come push that baloney through my keyhole, sistah.

Smart-aleck puppet master, 54, fun loving and self-absorbed, in search of gay male ventriloquist assistant. Taste my wood and let me shove my hand up your backside. I’ll be your Edgar Bergen. You be my Willie Talk.

Definitely not two 16 year olds standing on top of each other in a trench coat ISO anyone 21+. Must be OK with buying a 30 rack of Natty Ice (cue: high five sound effect) and drinking it in the woods. Preferably not one of our teachers unless you’re cool.

SWM, 32, ISO SWF ages 18-32 to replace my first four wives who all passed away in tragic “I murdered them” accidents. I can make your dreams of fame come true. With me, you’ll definitely be on TV, billboards, milk cartons, and have your name under the “Victims” subheading of my Wikipedia. No Virgos!

SWF, 24, ISO anyone to do one of those 5ks where they throw paint at you and you then experience the symptoms of mesothelioma while jamming out to Dave Matthews. Free spiritedness is a must!

900-lb SWF ISO of mate. Covered with hard, bony scales. Walk primarily on four limbs. Back has ridged, protective armor. Herbivore. May or may not be stegosaurus.

Semicolon enthusiast searching for likeminded folk. You’re probably an asshole; I certainly am.

SWM, 27, Chipotle fiend ISO of someone to be my guac, which I know is extra. No Moe’s-going subhuman Shitlords need apply.

SWM, 96, searching for my female Methuselah. Must be comfortable with pre-Colombian conceptions of race, gender, and science. Republicans preferred.

SWM, 42, Ayn Rand enthusiast ISO John Galt. I’ve never felt the compassion of another human being. I’m so alone.

SWM, 19, ISO of SF to admire my elaborate knife collection. Please, no cutters.

S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-stutterer, 22, with b-b-b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-d-d-dreams ISO of a girl, any age, with moist p-p-p-p-p-p-palms and soft smile whom I can f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-follow to the end of the Earth and whom I can s-s-s-s-s-screw.

  MWM, 47, full of rage, prone to violence, intolerant of most everything and self-destructive, ISO of a happy-go-lucky mistress with a positive outlook on life and full of self-confidence whom I can destroy mentally in order to feel good about myself. Come be the company my misery will love.

  SWF, 89, with Alzheimer’s ISO FUCKING GODDAMN DEER… STOP EATING MY ARBORVITAE! Wait… Who am I?

  Clever SW hunchback, 38, seeks master to whom I will answer. Without stewardship and discipline, I have traveled the continent like blind man in search of eyes. I am trained to accept punishment. I am the “work” in your workhorse. Ride me. Also, must be tolerant of the stench emitting from my hump.

  Bisexual Korean Hermaphrodite, (that’s BKH to you players out there), 24, beautiful/handsome, elegant/masculine, loves scented baths and logrolling. ISO playful M or F. Be the ying to my yang. Be the Shang to my Hi.

  Balding male, 66, described by some as “insectile,” ISO of woman with unfortunate looks for discreet meetings in non-discreet places. I enjoy politics, the opera and sling-shotting marbles at small children. And just to let you know, I also try to set people on fire who step onto my perfectly manicured lawn.

SWF, 29, excessive back fat, no knees , pretty cleft chin, seeks SWM, DAM, or WHM ages 29-31, with no neck, cataracts, a keen sense of direction, not just geographically but also with this game called life. Please hurry. I’m getting more needy by the minute.

 

DWF, 53, gassy, incontinent, with restless leg syndrome, ISO of college-aged stud 18 to 21. It’s cold outside, baby, so warm your hands inside my rolls. No, those aren't chocolate crumbs on my face, sweetie, those are moles.

 

SBM, 50, Michael Jackson impersonator, ISO GBM, 60ish, to play doctor, tuck me in at night and medicate me intravenously. Quacks okay, but please, no killers.

 

Former famous child actor, 57, ISO of brief moments of happiness.

 

Do you love ham? SWF, 38, uncomfortably obese but sassy and confident. ISO of younger 98-pound weakling. Don’t be intimidated by my girth. There’s just a lot of me to love. I’m a salty gal with a big wrinkled fanny that tastes like a Christmas ham. So come on, you tiny little elf and take a big ol’ bite.

 

Big-mouth Muppet who ain’t been “felt” in years for no-strings attached fun. Come be my puppet master and shove your hand up my ass. Man or woman, I don’t care, because, let’s face it, I ain’t real. But when you put me down my big googley button eyes will still be staring back at you. P.S. I’m a total freak in the sheets.

SWM, 46, hard-scrabbled, transient and dirty, ISO of SWF, age unimportant. Must love boxcars, baked beans and Ripple. Life is an adventure, and best seen from the wrong side of the tracks. P.S. I live in a culvert.

SWM, 47, 600 lbs. ISO genitalia. I swear it was here 100 lbs. ago.

SBM, 45, wants his girl back. I'm a Pepsi-Cola dealer and distributor. Had love, but lost it because I was too committed to my job. If you're out there, baby, I'm sorry, and I want you back. And you know you took shit that didn't belong to you, which I can't really go to the cops about. I swear I will fucking… Anyway, just call me, baby.

Angry, fidgety midget, 44, seeks serious woman who finds my unique combination of physical and emotional traits to be neither hysterical nor freakishly cute — nor some weird and offensive mix of the two. I can guarantee that what I got going on is not the least bit fucking funny and it sure as hell ain't cute. I'm just a short, unhappy man with Restless Leg Syndrome looking for a little goddamn love. Is that too much to ask? 

DWF, 55, with sexy beehive hairdo and French-manicured finger and toenails, seeks any M, 18-88, for moonlit sunsets and beach climbing. I like square dancing, and my exaggerated oblong face is my best feature. Thanks to gravity, my belly button is now an outie. Be my Pepe LePew and I’ll let you sniff out a surprise on our second date!

GWM, 41, computer trainer who travels 39 weeks per year, ISO of someone to activate the plug-in for Love 2.0 that currently resides inside my proactive box. Gigabit dongles or lower need not apply.

Demure SW Catholic F, 53, who understands brevity, seeks Celtic M with short fuse and taste for the drink. Be my drunken leprechaun and I'll be your pot o' gold. 

SWM, 55, tech mogul, billionaire philanthropist seeks earthy but sexy Djembe playing, 23-yr-old F with deviated septum — just because I can. 

Budget conscious pot-bellied dart league MVP, 46, ISO cute and generous lady with a WTF-attitude on life. Must not care that my life is both aimless and shiftless. Hey, can I borrow a 20?

Kids are away at college. Husband ran off. Now what? DW empty nester, 57, ISO someone to overbear. Will you be the someone I need to listen?

SWM, early 40's who hates mostly everything and proud of it, ISO a WF I saw at Rite Aid one day. We locked eyes and there was an instant connection, for the sense of cosmic connectedness was so palpable I know you must have felt it too. I'm pretty sure that your brother is a local village idiot I sometimes see riding his bicycle through busy intersections. He also wears giant headphones that I don't think are connected to anything. Please, get in touch with me. I'll cook us dinner. Invite your brother, but tell him to bring his own silverware.

SWF, 31, attractive but not pretty, shy but annoying, ISO of Civil War re-enactor who only dresses for the Confederate side. Must loves turtles and karaoke, and sincerely believe the South will rise again.

SWF, 26-ish, ISO fellow SWF, 26-ish. Must look like Bridget Fonda but act like Jennifer Jason Leigh. 

SWM, 24. Body like Grimmace. Laugh like the Hamburglar. Head like Mayor McCheese. ISO of my own little French Fry goblin for a Happy Meal and shake, if you get my drift. Refills are free.

SWM, 37, hermit, afraid of people, clowns, gum and the light of day ISO of an anthropophobic and agoraphobic female between 30-45. Life is short, precious and sweet. Let’s spend our time getting nothing out of it, while fearing the world together.

SWF, 24, aspiring notary pubic and obsessed with Calvin Coolidge, ISO of shy, silent, steady but unremarkable man from Vermont. Must be disinterested in flood control and have a strong aversion to taxation and farm subsidies. Must also love Alice Cooper, Motorhead and GWAR.

Bitter, nasty, unhappy shrew, 43, ISO of weak self-loathing spineless man. I've never been married and within four minutes of meeting me, you'll know why. I will nag you until you want to shove a pistol in your mouth and blow the back of your head off. I haven't met you yet, but I already know I hate your shirt, can't believe you're going to wear that belt with those shoes, tell you that you call your mother too much and don't do nearly enough around the house. Oh, and just wait until you ask for permission to do something with the boys. Age doesn't matter to me because I'll treat you like a child, regardless.

Opinionated SWF, 49, into tabby cats, Siamese cats, tiger cats, Persian cats, hairless cats, and alienating others, seeks man, who, through either heredity or years of environmental exposure to chemicals, has lost his sense of smell. Want to scrape my litter box?

SWF, 32, web-toed and hook for a hand, ISO of distinguished professional male b/w ages 35 and 50. Must love handball and swimming, and enjoy receiving back rubs. Firm grip and nice feet are a plus.

SWM, 44, likes romantic moonlit dinners by the lake, hiking, "Everybody Loves Raymond", refurbishing classic cars and philanthropy, seeks SWF, 23 to 52 who enjoys all of these things too. Should be free spirited and independent at first, but if you want our relationship to grow into something special then you'll stop all that foolishness and do what I say. Whores of Babylon must get right with God before responding.

SWM, 36, Commissioner of a 25-person fantasy football league seeks any female that finds that to be the least bit attractive.

SWM, I'd be 45 if still living, seeks female fan, groupie, gypsy; really, just anyone attracted to ghosts. If my spirit’s not enough to turn on your lovelight, then know this: I used to sing lead for Blind Melon. Hit me up.

SWM, 29, Team Edward, seeks love of like-minded SWM b/w ages of 25 and 45. Elf ears go to the front of the line.